How to Talk to Someone in Recovery: Advice for Friends and Family

How to Talk to Someone in Eating Disorder Recovery: Advice for Friends and Family

Q: A friend, who recently went to eating disorder treatment, will be having Thanksgiving with us. I’m worried about what to say (or what not to say). Is it ok to eat in front of her, and how can I make her comfortable without being awkward?

A: I would like to say that the fact that you are even asking how to best support your friend is a great first step!

First of all, I think it would be helpful to tell your friend that if she needs any extra support throughout the dinner, that she can lean on you and come to you for that support; that can look like engaging her in a discussion about her favorite topic, providing aid for bathroom trips (if purging is a behavior of hers), distracting her with a game after dinner, or assistance with any triggering situations that arise.

Secondly, another helpful thing would be to let her know ahead of time that if she needs to pack any of her safe foods in a lunchbox to bring as a back-up, you will save a spot in the fridge for her; Thanksgiving foods can be very triggering and difficult for someone at any stage of eating disorder recovery to take part in.

Thirdly, It is totally okay to eat in front of her! It is Thanksgiving, and she is already aware that people eat a big dinner on this day; it would be more damaging, I think, to not eat in front of her.

As far as what to say or not say, I would suggest not making any comments whatsoever about her plate, how much/how little she eats throughout the night, or appearance-based comments; even "positive" comments or "compliments" can be unhelpful, so maybe try commenting on a personality trait you love about her (ex. "I am so glad you came because you are so funny, and your personality just lights up a room!").

Also, I would suggest that you make sure that anyone else present for the dinner who may be supportive of your friend follow those same guidelines and be aware of them ahead of time, so your friend doesn't have to tell everyone on her own; that can be an added stressor on an already stressful day. People innocently have a tendency to engage in diet talk on Thanksgiving (about weight gain or weight loss, the amount of calories consumed during the meal, and/or how calories “don’t count” on Thanksgiving), so making sure everyone is on the same page prior to sitting down is a smart idea.

Finally, the last suggestion that I would recommend is that if you have any other guests that you know would not be as receptive to following the suggestions mentioned (or may just not be aware that they say triggering things), plan with your friend ahead of time for what would be the most helpful way to handle that for her. That could be speaking up on her behalf, distracting that triggering person with a topic they are interested in to get them off of the harmful subject, or simply helping your friend to remove herself from that situation.

As far as awkward goes, I think that if you are genuinely wanting to support your friend on this difficult day, she will appreciate the effort, and you, for trying to make this day as comfortable as possible for her. It could be an awkward conversation to have, as talking about mental health is often uncomfortable, but I think it is a conversation that she will appreciate regardless, awkward or not. And, honestly, what is Thanksgiving dinner without a little awkwardness anyway?

 

Contributed by Hannah Crawford, MS, NCC, Program Therapist at Focus Integrative Centers, Knoxville, TN

 

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Lauren Sterritt